‘You need to get over it..’ Unhelpful beliefs about grief

Grief is one of the toughest things in life that we all face at some point, yet it’s something

that is not often talked about, leaving many people isolated and struggling. There are

several misconceptions about the grieving process, including:

Myth 1: There is a set time (e.g. one year) during which grief should be resolved. Fact:

While the intensity of loss does generally decrease with the passing of time, there is no

universal timeframe. Grieving is a deeply personal experience, and the time taken to

begin to recover varies enormously.

Myth 2: There are clear stages of grief that take place in a linear fashion. Fact: Many

people have heard of the five stages of grief put forward by Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages also apply to types

of loss other than grief, such as trauma and crisis. However, they tend to merge into one

another, and any of them may be experienced in any order, multiple times, or not at all.

A more recent model is the dual process model of grief, which suggests we fluctuate

between ‘loss oriented’ and ‘restoration oriented’ phases. The former is usually

prominent initially, and involves looking back and yearning for what we have lost, while

the latter involves more focus on the present and the future. Small steps towards

‘restoration oriented’ activity are important as a person begins to figure out what life

looks like now and how to restore meaning. While people instantly understand the

stress involved in the ‘loss oriented’ phase, the stress of the ‘restoration oriented’ phase

can be overlooked but is no less impactful. For instance, if a long-term partner dies,

what does it look like to make all the decisions for yourself, to deal with practicalities

that perhaps were handled by them, to go out socially without them? These are

confronting for most people.

Myth 3: You have to cry in order to process grief. Fact: Grief can be experienced with or

without crying. Crying can also be part of emotions other than sadness. For instance,

some people cry when feeling frustrated or exhausted. Some people learnt at an early

age not to cry, and some cultures view crying as something to be avoided. Feeling numb

is, for some individuals, more likely during the acute stages of grief than sadness and

crying. Lack of tears does not equate to lack of sadness or to unhealthy grieving.

Myth 4. Grief and depression are the same. Fact: While typically these share some

common aspects, for example, changes to eating habits, intense feelings of sadness,

crying, and social isolation, there are also differences. The symptoms are experienced

more generally across life domains with depression, whereas are more specific to the

loss of a loved one in cases of grief.

Myth 5: You need to get over it. Fact: It’s not that simple – you can’t simply decide to

move on or ignore the pain. If you do attempt this, you may find yourself taking actions

that may appear to distract from difficult feelings in the short term but cause other

problems in the longer-term, such as substance use. Rather than ‘getting over it’, think

about moving forward with self-compassion, acknowledging the pain and responding to it with kindness. When you’ve loved someone deeply, you carry them in your heart as

you find ways to move forward in your life; you don’t simply ‘get over it’.

What if the situation becomes worse and doesn’t seem to shift? After loss, a small

percentage of people experience unrelenting and persistent mental distress that

significantly affects their functioning beyond that expected by cultural norms. This may lead

to a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder, which is associated with various negative

outcomes and is likely to warrant intervention. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been

shown to improve outcomes for people with prolonged grief disorder.

You don’t need a diagnosed disorder to benefit from therapy during grief. If you’re finding

that grief is significantly impacting your ability to function, your relationships, or your

overall wellbeing, therapy can be a valuable resource. Being kind to yourself and taking care

of yourself are also important, but may be overlooked if you feel guilty or judge yourself

harshly. Speaking to a professional in a confidential setting can help with this as well as with

depressive symptoms of grief. Call or email Naomi for more information: 0436 804714,

naomi@equinoxbalance.com.au