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Our minds are endlessly inventive when it comes to influencing what we actually do. For instance, my mind might come up with the thought ‘don’t exercise today, it’s too cold’ or ‘I will do that tomorrow; today I’m just not motivated’. What is motivation? Sometimes we act as though it is something tangible that we can somehow magically increase if we just get the right information. The Collins dictionary says that motivation is ‘desire to do; interest or drive’. We can have competing desires for different things. I may not be motivated right now to head out into the cold with running gear on, but perhaps I am very motivated to sit on the couch and binge watch a favourite program. The desires are competing, and one desire will triumph in any given moment and lead to an action. We sometimes say ‘I don’t feel motivated’, which implies that we only have the desire (the motivation) to take a certain action when we feel good or inspired or positive. Conversely, if we don’t feel good about doing that action, we say ‘I don’t feel motivated’. The problem with waiting until we feel positive or motivated before acting, is that we can get stuck in a holding pattern for a very long time, essentially doing nothing but…waiting. I don’t know about you, but I find that time spent waiting for a certain feeling to arrive before taking action doesn’t fit so well with building a life that I want to live. To break this holding pattern, we need to turn the whole thing on its head and do the opposite. So instead of waiting for certain feelings to arise before acting, we need to take action regardless. For example, if I wait indoors all winter to feel motivated to exercise, and it doesn’t happen, I won’t get any closer to my goal of getting fit enough to run a half- marathon. But if I break down my goal to small, achievable actions, and take those actions consistently and with persistence, I’m likely to achieve my goal and, as a bonus, the feelings of motivation to keep running are more likely to develop. An essential factor here is willingness. If I say ‘I’m not motivated’, what I really mean is that I have some desire to do it but I’m not willing to take the action unless I feel ‘in the mood’ and positive about it. In other words, my motivation (desire) to avoid the discomfort of getting out and running triumphs over my motivation to improve my fitness. Why should we do the hard work? We can probably all relate to the long-term impact of ignoring what’s important to us in the interests of staying comfortable and non-committal in the short term. What happens is, the short term starts to become the long term. The days of opting out of a meaningful life become weeks, then turn into months and eventually, years. Do we want to get near the end of our lives before realising we’ve lost years in waiting for feelings of motivation to arrive to do the things that really matter to us? There’s a catch here: the feelings we have are largely out of our control. Feelings tend to come and go, often quite quickly, a bit like the weather. Only taking action when a certain feeling is present is like only getting out of bed on the days on which the sun is shining and the temperature is in the mid-20s. That leaves a lot of days in which we would do nothing because the ‘weather’ (feelings) weren’t the ‘right’ ones. We may not be able to control our feelings, but we can control the committed actions we take. There are many strategies to help with this, but a good starting point is giving some thought to what’s important enough to you that you would be willing to feel some discomfort while taking action towards it. For example, if a person wants to get fit so they can kick the football with their children without wheezing dangerously, then getting in touch with those important reasons will build the willingness to, for example, feel the discomfort of getting up out of bed an hour early three mornings a week to go jogging. Research shows that a life spent avoiding discomfort tends to be far less rewarding in the long term than acting on our values, that is, the things that are important to us at a deep level. If you know why you’re doing the thing that invokes some discomfort, then you can do what it takes to reach your goals. Yes, even when you don’t feel like doing it…. There are strategies for better managing the discomfort, and for clarifying what’s important to you, both of which help you to take action in the direction that’s important to you. Like everything worthwhile, it takes learning and practice, which can be guided through therapy. For now, just notice what your mind tells you when it starts trotting out the ‘I’m not motivated…’ line, and know that you can allow it to say that, even as you lace up your running shoes…

Grief is one of the toughest things in life that we all face at some point, yet it’s something that is not often talked about, leaving many people isolated and struggling. There are several misconceptions about the grieving process, including: Myth 1: There is a set time (e.g. one year) during which grief should be resolved. Fact: While the intensity of loss does generally decrease with the passing of time, there is no universal timeframe. Grieving is a deeply personal experience, and the time taken to begin to recover varies enormously. Myth 2: There are clear stages of grief that take place in a linear fashion. Fact: Many people have heard of the five stages of grief put forward by Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages also apply to types of loss other than grief, such as trauma and crisis. However, they tend to merge into one another, and any of them may be experienced in any order, multiple times, or not at all. A more recent model is the dual process model of grief, which suggests we fluctuate between ‘loss oriented’ and ‘restoration oriented’ phases. The former is usually prominent initially, and involves looking back and yearning for what we have lost, while the latter involves more focus on the present and the future. Small steps towards ‘restoration oriented’ activity are important as a person begins to figure out what life looks like now and how to restore meaning. While people instantly understand the stress involved in the ‘loss oriented’ phase, the stress of the ‘restoration oriented’ phase can be overlooked but is no less impactful. For instance, if a long-term partner dies, what does it look like to make all the decisions for yourself, to deal with practicalities that perhaps were handled by them, to go out socially without them? These are confronting for most people. Myth 3: You have to cry in order to process grief. Fact: Grief can be experienced with or without crying. Crying can also be part of emotions other than sadness. For instance, some people cry when feeling frustrated or exhausted. Some people learnt at an early age not to cry, and some cultures view crying as something to be avoided. Feeling numb is, for some individuals, more likely during the acute stages of grief than sadness and crying. Lack of tears does not equate to lack of sadness or to unhealthy grieving. Myth 4. Grief and depression are the same. Fact: While typically these share some common aspects, for example, changes to eating habits, intense feelings of sadness, crying, and social isolation, there are also differences. The symptoms are experienced more generally across life domains with depression, whereas are more specific to the loss of a loved one in cases of grief. Myth 5: You need to get over it. Fact: It’s not that simple – you can’t simply decide to move on or ignore the pain. If you do attempt this, you may find yourself taking actions that may appear to distract from difficult feelings in the short term but cause other problems in the longer-term, such as substance use. Rather than ‘getting over it’, think about moving forward with self-compassion, acknowledging the pain and responding to it with kindness. When you’ve loved someone deeply, you carry them in your heart as you find ways to move forward in your life; you don’t simply ‘get over it’. What if the situation becomes worse and doesn’t seem to shift? After loss, a small percentage of people experience unrelenting and persistent mental distress that significantly affects their functioning beyond that expected by cultural norms. This may lead to a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder, which is associated with various negative outcomes and is likely to warrant intervention. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to improve outcomes for people with prolonged grief disorder. You don’t need a diagnosed disorder to benefit from therapy during grief. If you’re finding that grief is significantly impacting your ability to function, your relationships, or your overall wellbeing, therapy can be a valuable resource. Being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself are also important, but may be overlooked if you feel guilty or judge yourself harshly. Speaking to a professional in a confidential setting can help with this as well as with depressive symptoms of grief. Call or email Naomi for more information: 0436 804714, naomi@equinoxbalance.com.au

Start with the evidence In a mega review of more than 54, 000 scientific studies, one single set of skills was found to be far more commonly effective than anything else in improving people’s mental health and emotional wellbeing. More important than self-esteem, support from friends and family, or whether you have negative thoughts.  So, what’s the skill set? The most important skills to learn if you want better mental health and emotional wellbeing are those that build your psychological flexibility. Regardless of whether you are suffering from anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or any other type of mental distress, psychological flexibility helps you deal with these issues more effectively and moves your life in a meaningful direction.  What does that look like? The review revealed three distinct areas of skills to increase your psychological flexibility:  Feeling and thinking in an open way Attending to what you’re experiencing in the present moment Taking action to move your life in directions that are important to you.  These skills might seem like common sense, but when life throws challenges at us, we all do things that don’t really serve our best interests. In fact, our brains are wired to do this to an extent. There are countless examples, from things such as eating too much cake after bad days at work, to longer-term patterns of behaviour such as not doing the things you’d love to do because you’re terrified of having a panic attack. What’s working against you? To make it worse, our culture often encourages us to do things that hold us back from creating the kind of life we want. We are told to take a problem-solving approach to avoid uncomfortable feelings, as if it were as simple as turning on the air-con when we feel hot. We are told to simply feel better, to be happy all the time (or at least appear that way on our socials), to avoid anything that makes us uncomfortable. While that sometimes gives us temporary relief, longer-term it simply doesn’t work.          How do I create a life I want? What’s exciting about the research is that, for the first time we know why  psychotherapy works. Until recently, psychological research has been good at studying what  methods help with which mental health disorders, but it hasn’t looked at why  those things work.  Deep inside, we all have the wisdom to know how to healthily rise to life’s challenges. But putting them into practice can be very difficult.  The good news is that the science also shows that these skills can be learned. Like learning any other new skill, this takes persistence and practice. Psychotherapy can now specifically target the right skills for you at the right time to help you move into the kind of life you want, to find freedom from stress, depression, anxiety.  Liberation? I don’t know about you, but to me this sounds like true liberation. Liberation from the thoughts and feelings that hold you back from creating a life that’s rich and full.  To make a start on this together, call 0436 804714. Let’s get on with it…    For useful snippets, join us on Facebook